What is in Kelvin's Head?

Tales of the City #3

The scene is Sauchiehall Street in Glasgow at 8 pm on a Sunday evening. I am making my way to see a film about the impossibility of love between two men, one from Nablus (a city of some significance to the Samaritans, interestingly enough given this morning’s Gospel reading) and one from Tel Aviv. I’m in a hurry.

Interlocutor: Ahem!

Me: er, …

Interlocutor: Ahem, excuse me please Sir. Could you help me?

Me: er, I don’t know, what is it?

Interlocutor: Could you tell me the way to the nearest striptease bar establishment?

Me: No, I’m afraid I don’t think I can. I have to admit, I don’t know.

Interlocutor: Oh, I’m sorry for disturbing you. But please, …

Me: Yes?

Interlocutor: Who then could I ask?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t know.

He wanders off and I hurry to the GFT.

Now, I ask you, do I look like a person who knows where the nearest strip joint is? Do I even look like someone who knows to whom this question should be directed?

I know I used to live above just such an establishement whilst I was pretending to be a residential student in the TISEC flat and pretending to learn something from studying at New College. But that was a long time ago.

And that was Edinburgh.

Comments

16 responses to “Tales of the City #3”

  1. MadPriest Avatar
    MadPriest

    Well done, good and faithful servant.
    This was obviously a set up by some national tabloid who are sending out journalists to enquire of the clergy of the Anglican Communion if they know where the nearest lap dancing club is. If you had answered yes you would have been part of a forthcoming expose of the immoral underbelly of episcopalianism and your photo would have been splashed all over the front pages. Tempting, I know but in the long run I think you will find that you did the right thing old chap.

    Reply
  2. Stewart Avatar
    Stewart

    Was your dress (not actually a dress, but the clothing you were wearing) such that it would invite such a comment?

    Reply
  4. kelvin Avatar
    kelvin

    I’d have understood it if I’d been wearing a dog collar, but I wasn’t. Honest.

    Reply
  6. kelvin Avatar
    kelvin

    What!? My glasses (as featured in Italian Vanity Fair) have turned me into someone suspected of knowing where the nearest strip club is?

    How did that happen.

    Who on earth thought that was the look I was going for?

    Reply
  7. Stewart Avatar
    Stewart

    What?

    Wearing a dog collar would make you more likely to know were a strip club is?

    Reply
  8. Kimberly Avatar
    Kimberly

    Kelvin, you know full well what those glasses were about.

    The remarkable thing was that your interlocutor was perceptive enough to ask you where to find a strip tease rather than a cat house.

    Reply
  9. kelvin Avatar
    kelvin

    Is cat house an Americanism in this context? My interlocutor was not American.

    I wasn’t even wearing the red glasses.

    Reply
  10. Kimberly Avatar
    Kimberly

    Yes, it is an Americanism.

    I wouldn’t possibly know the British equivalent. I have the glasses to prove it.

    Reply
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