What is in Kelvin's Head?

Liturgical news

04/02/2013
Here is the liturgical news from St Mary’s Cathedral, Glasgow yesterday.
- The Provost announced during morning service that the church is responsible for far too much condemnation in the world and far too few blessings. He and the Vice Provost then went on to offer the ancient Blessing of the Throats traditionally performed by holding candles to the throats of the faithful on St Blaise’s Day. About 45 members of the congregation had their throats blessed.
- There have been no outbreaks of any diseases of the throat since yesterday.
- The Provost turned into a flailing jellyfish at two points during yesterday’s mass. The first was the result of him seeing the gospel procession going past him and on down the aisle before he had woken up to the fact that he was the deacon and due to read the gospel. The second was when he tried to retrieve and consume a fallen host during communion. This resulted in a manoeuvre that is known as being Slain in the Spirit amongst low church people and known as falling Amice over Tippet by high church people.
- The Provost was dismayed at the end of the mass to have it pointed out to him that the mass may not have been valid as he was wearing his stole in the manner of a priest rather than in the manner of a deacon.
- The Provost then used the fact that his stole was the wrong way round to justify the fact that he had forgotten to follow the gospel procession earlier in the service.
- Black shoes were worn throughout.

5 responses to “Predictions for 2020”

Meg Rosenfeld

01/01/2020

As an American of the Democratic persuasion, I hope you’re right about the upcoming presidential election . . . and fear that you’re right about the division of the country. Having gay friends who are devout Roman Catholics, I desperately hope you’re right about the Roman church becoming more supportive of LGBT folks. And I guess we can only keep praying about Equal Marriage in the Church of England. Probably it’s just a good idea to keep praying, eh?!

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Rosemary Hannah

01/01/2020

I think 6 is a certainty. I hope 8 isn’t. I think Starmer is the better choice.

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Robert McLean

01/01/2020

Re No. 5, what is COP?

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1. Kelvin
  
  03/01/2020
  
  COP is the Conference of the Parties which will be held in Glasgow this year. It is the largest international conference on Climate Change at which governments and many other organisations are present.
  
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Chris

02/01/2020

I find myself wondering which reason will lie behind 1 – because a referendum won’t be called, or because people will still, for some reason, think it’s a good idea to hang on to Westminster rule. And I agree with 6 and with Rosemary about Starmer – who would seem to have emerged as the front runner.

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