Friends, Glaswegians, Fellow Countrymen, the voters of Glasgow Kelvin have spoken.

To the astonishment of almost all the rest of the country, Glasgow Kelvin has voted a resounding YES to the Alternative Vote referendum. Today is the day for decisive action  to build on the electoral courage, strength and self determination shown by the Kelvin People. Our course is clear. Glasgow Kelvin must immediately make a Unilateral Declaration of Independence.

Here’s the Plan! Barracades all around the boundaries of the Constituency by dawn tomorrow. Declaration of the new Liberal People’s Republic of Glasgow Kelvin at noon from the steps of Kelvingrove Art Gallery Parliament Building.

The following policies to be enacted forthwith:

• All elections to be conducted by our revolutionary Alternative Vote system.
• The establishment of a Glorious Mass of Liberation to be Celebrated Annually if a suitable Cathedral can be chosen using the same Alternative Vote system.
• All Tenement Factors to be subject to Alternative Vote election monthly.

The search is now on for a Glorious Leader. Nominations are now open for the post of Emperor Democratically Elected Leader of the Liberal People’s Republic of Glasgow Kelvin.

Now, who would be most suitable for a post with such a title?