I did my first Baptism in St Mary’s today. What a large font. Just about large enough to have baptised the candidate by full immersion.

Amongst a great collection of other useful skills that we were not taught how to do during my training was how to baptise a child. Nor indeed an adult. Nor, when it comes to that were we taught about anything to do with children and young people. They were unmentioned.

Here is the wisdom I have learned since starting to do this.

• Hold babies firmly as though you mean it. (Sure and steadfast, as the Boys’ Brigade would say).
• Make sure they can still see mother and father. Or both mothers or both fathers or whatever. (It makes the baby feel more secure)
• Play with the water. (Its fun for you and fun for them).
• Talk to them. (Expect them to talk back).
• Don’t turn them upside down. (It makes them cry).
• Don’t expect to perform the baptism without water running up your sleeve to your elbow and beyond. (Try not to squeal at this).
• Don’t try to upstage a baby, you can’t. Unlike brides – whom you can upstage. (And you must).
• Try to buy non-Gender coloured baptism certificates. (Pink for a girl and blue for a boy is an abomination before the Lord).