What is in Kelvin's Head?

  • 25 More Questions for people who want to make their churches grow

    A lot of people seem to have been sharing my 25 Questions for people who want to make their churches grow on social media.

    So, here’s 25 more…

    1. If you didn’t have to go to your church on Sunday would you still go?
    2. Are the clergy happy?
    3. Are the musicians happy?
    4. Does the congregation have a stronger ethos than that of its denomination?
    5. What one thing could you change this week to make the worship better?
    6. Why didn’t you make that change last week?
    7. What steps are you taking to make the phrase “All are Welcome” come true?
    8. Do you do church business on a Sunday after church or is there a better time for that?
    9. In the next month are you more likely to spend time on ecumenical activities or church growth activities?
    10. Do people who leave become ex-members who have disappeared or do they still contribute to the life and ministry of the place?
    11. What is the noticeboard like?
    12. What is the first thing you see when you come through the door?
    13. Did you implement the recommendations of the last “mystery worshipper” you asked to give you a candid assessment?
    14. Which church events in the next six months will be newsworthy locally?
    15. Which church events in the next six months will be reported in the local media?
    16. Do you have enough staff and who decides this?
    17. What would your clergy really like to do that they can’t because of the laity?
    18. What would your laity really like to do that they can’t because of the clergy?
    19. Which would attract young families more – a bible-based week long summer activity for children or letting it be known that gay people are welcome in your church?
    20. Can you email those members of your congregation who want to receive regular updates?
    21. Do you email those members of your congregatio who want to receve regular updates?
    22. Has someone done the work required to make sure emails sent to large numbers of people don’t end up in spam boxes?
    23. Who in the congregation has gifts that could be better used doing a different job in the congregation than what they are currently doing?
    24. Who is your volunteer co-ordinator and is it obvious how to contact them?
    25. Can you volunteer without being a member of the church?

4 responses to “The Privatization of Public Space and the Commonwealth Games”

  1. Christine McIntosh Avatar
    Christine McIntosh

    We were there yesterday as well – you should use Swarm and I might have known! But we left after the first gate for the same reasons as you’re complaining here – that feeling of being in school, or a prison, perhaps. Not a good move, Glasgow!

    Reply
  2. Robin Avatar
    Robin

    > More troubling to me is that people on the Green were apparently being told to cover up YES badges indicating their support for Scottish Independence.

    What about people with NO badges? Or was no-one wearing one?!

    Seriously, a good post and I agree with it.

    Reply
  3. Matthew Pemble Avatar
    Matthew Pemble

    I was not only frisked each way walking from Douglas St to “The Hub” (back of the Science Centre) but, on the way back when I was actually going to stop in the BBC’s carnival to buy some (in the end, over-priced and under-nice) lunch, the security weasel suggested that I might like to opt out of walking through a public right of way and go some 500m elsewhere so I wasn’t an inconvenience to her and her colleagues.

    A. She wasn’t a volunteer.
    B. The restriction of individual liberty is the first and most desired recourse of petty British officialdom.
    C. Unlike petty French officialdom, whose first and most desires recourse is Madam Guillotine.

    Reply
  4. Alan McManus Avatar
    Alan McManus

    After a PR blunder involving a local Guru of ethnic minority (technically the majority) Herod was anxious to be seen to be benevolent. “5K” had a historical precedent; the concept was simple, marketable and had obvious corporate tie-ins with opportunities for merchandising. The Vizier sourced another Guru, a cousin of the dead one but with better ratings and demographics (and a lot more camera-friendly). Generic ads (CARING/ SHARING/ WEALTH CREATION) went viral on social media, the venue was booked and tickets (£15) sold online.
    Jesus proved difficult from the start. He wanted it free and couldn’t see the need to fence the Table. He couldn’t even see the need for the Table. “Okay” said the Vizier (whose eyes kept glazing over as Security patched in on his Link-Up) “we love you, we love the robes and sandals, we love the concept – yeah? Let’s just keep the synergy flowing and focus on half-full, blue skies – sorry – Mike? Yeah PR here, how’s that bulldozing going? Yeah? Flat. And can you schmooze the protesters off-camera? Yeah. We’ll need the whole space for carparking. Sorry – so, Jesus, right? Cool. Just some Health & Safety details to go over:
    • Bread ‘n Fishes shrinkwrapped 5K pax must remain in the corporate cooler till distribution by authorised personnel only – all in Hi Viz.
    • No healing or blessing, it’s just too big a crowd and we don’t want a crush at the barriers (also healing kinda spins our plucky human interest stories outta line).
    Your slot is 3 mins max, Jesus, we’ve drafted your mission statement, here. Any vocab issues? We want the tone local, down with the Palestinian people, not too obviously Roman. Let’s just go over it:
    1. Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s (we don’t do God)
    2. Yes you can! (can you avoid the whole structural poverty rant? it comes across as patronising and we want to emphasise equal opportunity)
    3. The parable of the talents (just as it is)
    Cool.”
    Everything went smoothly on the day. The whole area had been cleared of undesirables and Herod’s helicopters, horseguards and hounds kept the peace in the huge crowd packed between the steel barriers, happily clutching their tokens for Bread ‘n Fishes; tasteful woven willow miniature food baskets (blessed ones £5 extra) and leaflets for voluntourism. Alternating muzak and plucky soundbites on the massive LED screens kept the crowd amused while they waited for the main act.
    Which never came. Jesus had slipped through the crowds and walked away.

    Reply

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