The scene is the till in John Lewis Department Store, Glasgow. Household Department.

Mr Johnny Loulou: Good morning, Sir. How can I help you today?

Self:  Ah. Well, I wonder if it would be possible to give me a refund on something.

Mr Loulou: Yes sir, what is it that you are returning?

Self:  Well, I bought this toilet seat recently and it was the wrong kind. It has the wrong fitting for my toilet – it is a bottom-fixing toilet seat and I needed a top-fixing toilet seat.

Mr Loulou: Ah.

Self: It hasn’t been out of its box. Indeed, I never unwrapped it. It is still in its cellophane.

Mr Loulou: That should be no problem then sir. Just a moment and I’ll take a look.

Mr Johnny Loulou gingerly opens the box and peers in. He then holds the box up and sticks his nose into it and takes a loud and obvious sniff.

There is a Pinteresque pause.

Mr Loulou looks up. It becomes obvious that he has nice eyelashes.

Mr Loulou: Ah yes sir. The smell of new plastic! … No problem.